The countdown to Cinque's departure continues; probably only a few weeks left, and that's good. He's anxious, the family is anxious, and we would love to see him settled. There is a struggle to find a balance between the here and the there, the now and the soon, the reality and the dream; it's hard.
Providing boundaries and guidance to kids in the system is usually a balancing act as well. Coming from places where adults are either physically absent, or at least emotionally detached and disconnected, rules and consequences, and love, affection, and attachment are severely lacking. That was our starting point sixteen months ago. Arguments, defiance, anger, and deceit abounded and we did our best to meet that with calm consistency.
Recently two people on two separate occasions remarked to me that Stan and I "run a tight ship." Several years ago, that statement would have sent me into a session of second-guessing and re-analyzing - our rules, parenting, discipline strategies; not today, those words reaffirm that what we have set about to establish in our home is having noticeable results. The "tight ship" mentality is what we - as parents and children in our family - need to make it all work.
Walking into our family - our ship, if you will - is most definitely alien to the children placed in our home; we recognize that and make allowances for the learning curve. Usually we choose one or two areas to address right away, lay down some very basic expectations and clear consequences which we enforce immediately, and watch the child learn quickly. In our current case the big issues were honesty and safety. And being a very intelligent young man, the lessons were learned fairly painlessly and quickly.
The finer points of family relationships continued to be tweaked - what parent doesn't want their kids to continuously learn how to love and respect others - as we honed in on respect for the possessions, space, and feelings of other family members. There was also substantial attention given in the area of personal care and hygiene. Somehow so many kids are never taught how to wash themselves - using soap, brush their teeth - using toothpaste, change into clean clothes - daily. With these simple tasks being overlooked and under-taught, how can we expect the children to understand, or even care about respect for other people?
But our young man came to understand the importance of these issues rather quickly, as well. The desire to do the right thing is in place; but as with most kids, the follow through is sometimes lacking. Not a big deal and we continue to learn together, to give reminders as needed as is the parents' role. However, not having been parented in the same vein as our other kids who have been around us most of their lives, this guy did not take well to being told "what to do all the time."
When a longer hair style was requested, the request was honored until the hair became dirty and unkempt. When teeth go unbrushed for several days, then the consequence of a lost privilege is invoked. When personal belongings are left laying about the house at the inconvenience of the family, items are confiscated. These statements hold true for any child in our family who is struggling to maintain the expectations for self-respect.
With a child unused to that much parental 'control' by way of rules and reminders, the feeling is uncomfortable and maybe overbearing; and we have been told in various ways to "stay out of my business." Realizing the importance of growing up to be independent and the effectiveness of learning from natural consequences, there are times when we have "stayed out". Especially as our time together comes to a close, there is a tendency to create some distance and to ask our family to "stay out."
It's kind of sad to see some of the work that has gone into the bettering of our guy slip away. School grades are sliding, disrespect for others is on the rise, self-care has taken a back seat, and his basic interaction with our family is strained. Now is a time in the placement that ties should be strengthened to send him 'home' on a high note, being the best he can be, giving it all he has learned and can give. The balance to respect his wishes to stay out and my nurturing inclination to stay all in is difficult, but very worthwhile.
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