Lately I have had some conversations with some of our kids about my job as a parent, and how I am doing at doing my job. At the top of the list of job requirements is safety; I point out that as foster parents we have been given the high privilege of keeping other peoples' children safe. So it frustrates me when it appears that I am failing at protecting any of our kids.
What makes it even harder is when there is a need to protect my child from their own choices. The more they grow in independence and knowledge and wisdom, the harder my job gets.
Today one of the kids is serving a suspension. While in school, this child of mine was found to have contraband on their person. After initially being questioned by school security and then a principal, my student was assigned the consequence for this choice. Those are the undisputed facts.
Here are the rest of the facts.
My kid was not the owner of the contraband, but had gone into the bathroom with a group of friends. Another kid brought out the item which the group immediately realized was prohibited in school. The owner of the item is a long-time friend of my child and is a student who is already serving severe consequences for prior poor choices. In what seems like a split-second decision, my child put the item into their pocket so that when a security guard arrived on the scene, it was my child who had the prohibited item on their person.
The decision wasn't haphazard or spontaneous; my child knew that if the friend, the owner, were to be caught with the item that student would probably face expulsion. When confronted by the security guard, my child said the item was theirs. When questioned further by the principal, my child relented and reported that the item belonged to a friend, but refused to give the name of that friend. According to the principal, my child was extremely respectful in stating why they were not willing to provide the name of the owner. The school had no choice but to serve my child with the consequence spelled out in the school manual of discipline. My child's response to the principal and to me was, "I understand, and I'll take the consequence."
My child sacrificed - their unsullied behavior record; perhaps their standing with that group of friends for being "stupid" enough to have this on their record; possibly their reputation with teachers as a respectful and responsible student; potentially the loss of a spot on athletic teams.
My first statement to my child that day was, "I'm not angry with you, but I also don't agree with your decision." I wish I could take that back.
That came from a place of wanting to protect, wanting to undo or re-do what seemed to me to be a snap judgment; not well thought-out with regard for the future - you know, as kids sometimes rush into situations first and think about the consequences later.
My kid saw past the situation in a way that it took me a day or two to see. They saw a friend in need of more than just a spontaneous save or freedom from a school expulsion. They saw a person in need of hope.
That my child has been a friend to the student who caused this situation, speaks to their desire to respect and treat everyone with care. That my child did not just walk out of the bathroom that day, but chose to stay with his friend demonstrates their sense of loyalty. That my child is unbegrudgingly serving a suspension today for a 'crime' he didn't commit, is an amazing example of forgiveness.
Added to the parent job description is: always be ready to learn a lesson from your children. Thanks, kids! And to this kid - I'll be watching...
