Some time ago someone commented to me that I seemed to always be weighed down and to lack joy. While I don't remember the exact circumstances surrounding that time, the comment was probably not without validity. The truth is that I often feel burdened; but I also often feel, no, I KNOW joy. Perhaps knowing joy does not particularly result in a bouncy step or a radiant countenance.
Today there is a burden.
Just before Thanksgiving the phone call came: a Childline referral regarding our family had been submitted. The Child Protective Services worker gave a sketchy description of the concerns and proceeded to ask questions. At the time of the call I was in the car with three of the kids, trying to remain calm and talk in code. The call concluded with the worker informing me that we could expect to hear from our local police department as they had received the referral as well.
Later that evening I was able to share the burden with a few close friends. There is joy in knowing that God has provided us with precious souls who walk where we walk. There is joy in knowing that we have a Friend who sticks closer than even those friends.
But still the burden remained. Waiting for the detective to call, wondering who instigated the report, sifting through recent conversations in which I may have given a wrong impression, casting suspicion onto our children - several of them are off the chart attention suckers (yes, suckers; having blown way past the level of mere attention seekers years ago.) Living under a cloud, knowing that once again our parenting choices and skills may be called into question.
Five days later, the day before Thanksgiving, the detective does his duty and interviews us - the parents. Fortunately, I guess, although it's sort of embarrassing to reveal, this detective knows our family quite well. He's been in our house a half dozen times for this same sort of meeting; also for the handful of runaway situations we've navigated. After asking us the required questions, he discloses the source of the report. Another burden. Our own child has had a hand in it; because of that child's lack of judgement we are now having to demonstrate to this officer that we have a safety plan in place to protect our children.
Gratefully, the detective is gentle with us and affirms our efforts in being vigilant parents. He leaves with an assurance that he will communicate with the CPS worker that he has no concerns. Those words bring feelings of joy; although, even throughout the questioning I have known joy - a confidence that we have done our best and that truth will prevail. Not a smiley-face joy, just a peace and calmness underneath the burden because we had not yet been cleared of the allegations.
More waiting as CPS is swamped and our case is not urgent. More living in uncertainty. More burdens as we attempt honest conversation with our child who we now know is involved in putting us here. Conversations are very one-sided and run up against much denial and some anger. It is a heavy thing to realize that my reputation, my family could be jeopardized by some careless choices and hurtful words - by my own child. Where to find joy in that?
Today was the day of the CPS interview. This morning felt burdensome as I waited for this afternoon, playing and replaying how I anticipated the meeting to unfold. Wondering how closely we would be scrutinized. Hoping that the two little extras in our home - little people who had been removed from unsafe environments and placed in our safe home - would be shielded from re-traumatization by realizing the reason for this new and different case worker in our home.
With joy - a lightness of heart and peace of soul - I am able to report that the meeting went as well as it possibly could. Short and sweet, with grown-up talk behind a closed door; the little ones had not a clue. The worker left with words of encouragement and thanks and even a "God bless you." The case will be closed. No further action is needed.
So then, the burden is gone, lifted, dissipated... No. My heart is heavy. There is much rebuilding and restoration to be done. Relationships - already tenuous - have been shattered. Trust is obliterated. It must appear to those looking in that I am weighed down, without joy.
This is the way we live. The way God has chosen to remind us of how desperately he longs for reconciliation, and how heavy his burden must be when we willingly walk away from his love. Joy comes from being obedient through the burdens.
