This life. It's full. It's got all the feelings.
If not having been chosen to live life this way, I am entirely convinced that I would be only simply existing and missing out.
This morning was court. As usual there were vague ideas of what might transpire, mostly nothing. One parent might show up, the other probably not. While in the waiting area, Probably Not presented themselves to the child without warning. Bewilderment and confusion took over the face - and heart, I'm guessing - of my unsuspecting little friend. What to make of this appearance after almost two years of absence; how to process the explanations and the stories we were hearing. Requests for visits and outings and parties and phone numbers. Too much, too late. Other parent also attended and is awaiting trial in criminal court, as well as awaiting the arrival of a sibling for my little - who knows nothing of that situation. Small sibling may be joining our family provided further details are obtained and the arrival is announced to the agency. Also, provided that parent is not incarcerated.
While waiting for the hearing, a chat was had with another case worker regarding our second little friend whose case will be heard next week. More news. Birth parent has Facebook-announced their brand new marriage - to someone with a criminal record. Hmmm. Married to someone who could prevent the reunification of this family. Not sure if my mind or heart twisted harder. Oh, and there's a chance that this birth mom could also be expecting.
This family had a visit today; our friend looks forward to this time with their family. At pick-up time today, birth mom was ready to end the visit early and told me about how out-of-control the kids were today. Oh dear mother, they are little and so very excited to see you and each other; they don't know how much longer this will last; they can't trust your promises that they'll be "home soon;" you are late to arrive and early to leave. Yes, out-of-control. Everything is out of their control.
In between visit drop off and pick up, we had time to get home to start dinner and check email - a message from a teacher informing us that our student has a 35% in class and is missing multiple assignments - one of which I specifically checked in with my student about just the night before. At that point, with full eye-contact and not a flinch, I was assured that that specific assignment had been completed and submitted. A bold-faced lie. Without flinching. No hesitation. From my child who just Monday convinced a school counselor that they are "being more honest and open with my mom." Tuesday was a missed bus and a call from the school nurse. Wednesday, a detention to serve. There's not a sigh big enough. How long will I have to watch my child face consequence upon consequence? When will they get tired of staring at the walls of our house while the rest of our same-aged kids enjoy freedom and friends?
Within the space of an hour (between visit drop-off and pick-up, starting dinner, checking email, and attempted conversations about honesty) both of our moved-out kids called. One called to share two bits of exciting news: a new job and a recent honor and recognition. One called to say they would no longer be sharing anything with me; that I should consider myself out of their life; that choices had to be made and I had apparently been the lesser preferred option.
Confusion. Frustration. Excitement. Desperation. Hopefulness. Amazement. Hurt. Sadness. Helplessness. Protectiveness. Joy. Weariness. Guilt. Wonderment. Compassion. Loss. Overwhelming love.
Tomorrow's opportunities are endless.
