Six weeks and the transition continues. The visits between Cinque and the potential adoptive family have increased in length; this weekend should be the initial two-night visit with possibly several more to follow. Reports from all parties are very favorable, and everyone is cautiously optomistic and very hopeful that this match will result in the permanancy that Cinque desires and deserves.
Slow and steady is probably the best way to go, and gives opportunity for both child and family to make a well-informed, thoughtful decision. On the other hand, the longer the transition the more anxiety that may be induced as Cinque wonders and asks when he might be moving. There's also his felt need to have closure here as he moves on; which is also played out as a lack of care for everyday life here.
In a twelve-year-old's way of thinking, why should time and effort be spent on school work assignments that will be left behind before the year is over, why practice for a band concert that will happen after he's gone, or why use self-control in the classroom when the consequences won't follow him to the next school. And that same attitude is demonstrated at home: lack of attention to homework, needing to be prompted to complete routine chores, blatant refusal to care for personal hygiene, pestering and picking on the others kids. Understanding and some allowances are extended, reminders are given, attitudes are excused, explanations are provided to the other kids: this is not an easy time for him, we need to exercise grace.
Besides these somewhat predictable behaviors, some other interesting things have been happening...
Each of the kids have winter weather gear available to them - a winter coat, gloves and mittens, hat, scarves, boots. This child has chosen not to wear a winter coat all season, the preference is for hoodies - this practice is not at all uncommon with pre-teen kids, we see it all the time - and it is not a battle I choose to initiate; if a person is cold, he will put on the coat. The issue isn't even mentioned in our house. Since having overnight visits and the other mom requesting that the winter coat at least be sent along, strangely the child has worn the coat every day since.
At bedtime there are different routines with the different kids, but there is at least a "good-night" for and from each. Not with this child, there hasn't ever been any sort of evening or morning greeting, just a move-about-the-house-and-do-your-own-thing kind of attitude. However, during the first overnight visit we received a nine o'clock phone call to wish us a good night.
Due to his past family experiences, this child is guarded when it comes to forming bonds and trusting. The extent of his tie to our family is that we are a safe place where needs are provided and there are other kids for entertainment. Very obviously little emotional bonding has happened. Yet since beginning to visit with the other family, this child has made it a point to ask me several times a week, "So mom, how was your day?" as we are walking home from the bus stop. The first time I heard it I had to check to see which child was walking beside me to ask such a question; this is the child who either runs way ahead or is lagging far behind.
So I'm not sure which way to go with this. Certainly, we continue to address behaviors and attitudes that are unacceptable and issue the expected consequences, and we understand the feelings of anxiety that may be causing some of what we are seeing. And I also appreciate and enjoy all the cooperation and pleasantries - whatever the source or motivation. The hope is that very soon we will all know for sure which way we are headed and can focus on making it a very positive experience.
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