Several of our kids are blessed with strong wills and minds of their own. Guiding and training them to understand the difference between disrespect (as in: "I don't have to listen to you") and independence (as in: "I can do this myself") is a tall order; the challenge is compounded when an intellectual disability (ID) is part of the equation. A teenager with an ID looks like a teenager, may have the maturity of a much younger child, and is socially and intellectually delayed by a gap that just continues to widen.
Since the age of three, our child has been taught that honesty is of the highest importance and that a choice to practice deceit will always result in negative consequences. We've done our best to make very concrete and immediate connections to assist in the learning process, we've praised good choices and pointed out when honesty has been to his benefit, we've allowed him to experience the pain of being on the receiving end of deceit. All kids learn at their own pace and in various ways, I get that; so we've allowed plenty of time on the learning curve and many opportunities for practice.
The seemingly never-ending struggle in this case is the pull between what this child is not able to process as opposed to what he chooses to do with a full understanding of the consequences. Case in point: he is expected to brush his teeth every morning after breakfast before leaving for school. I ask if he has brushed his teeth, he answers that he has, I check and find a dry toothbrush. Given that this is a routine task, there is no question that this is a case of "I won't".
Public situations add another variable; now we have an audience which the young man can try to use to his advantage by making mom and dad appear to be mean and unreasonable. Behaviors that are expected at home are also expected in public, for example, we do not expect any of our children to talk back, sass, be fresh or cheeky... call it what you may, it's disrespectful. When in church, we give reminders about expected social behaviors - taking only one snack, greeting others with a handshake instead of an unexpected hug, keeping hands and feet to yourself. Sometimes our reminders are not welcome and then a yelling episode ensues; clearly another case of "I won't".
There are times when this child sincerely doesn't understand or is struggling to pick up on something that is obvious to others. For several years of school, we tried our best to understand what he was capable of doing and what things were just too much to expect. The sad thing is that sometimes a little bit of trying turned an "I can't" into and "I won't" simply because a teacher would step in and make things easier by doing it for him. This became a learned behavior which only worked against him; at school his seeming struggle produced a different result than at home where we expect that if something is hard to do, that means we must try harder.
As we approach the mid-teenage years, I am a bit anxious to have our son continue to grow into a young man who is responsible. There is always a question of whether we are pushing too hard, expecting too much; are we only frustrating him and ourselves? But if we stop expecting and pushing, will we be doing him and society a disservice? There have been times when I have wanted to just give up; stop teaching and reminding and just let things play out on their own. But then that would be me saying, "I can't and I won't."
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