Through the cracks

One night at dinner when Eli was about four years old he asked, "Why don't I have a case worker?" Since kids coming and going, and case worker visits were part of his little world this was his attempt at fitting himself into life in our family. From the age of nine months old, Eli has shared his home, bedroom, toys, family, and parents with other kids - sometimes with no notice and usually without any say so. Our other children - both temporary and permanent - have had to make the same gracious adjustments.

The personality of our first born child does not lend itself naturally to change; he likes predictable, precise, and planned. Walking with and watching him work through some of the transitions our family has encountered has been challenging at times and helpful as we all learn to live outside our comfort zones. After twelve years, life has become more manageable for him; he has learned to go with the flow and roll with whatever punches come his way.

In addition to the above mentioned personality traits, he tends to be quiet, thoughtful, serious, and pretty much prefers to keep a low profile and not garner any attention. From very young he required little correction or discipline beyond a reminder; that characteristic has only become more pronounced as he has grown; his convictions are very strong, run very deep, and are firmly based on what he knows as Truth. All this makes it both a pleasure and a pressure to parent him.

Last year we spent much time, energy, and money in pursuing a more suitable educational situation for another one of our kids. There were also school issues for three others which required ongoing attention. Little time or energy is left for the 'typical' school issues or concerns. And the thing is, this kid isn't 'typical' either.

Treading lightly here because I don't want to come across as if this has anything to do with me: this child is highly intellectually gifted. This next part does have to do with me: I have done nothing about it. Sure, he's placed in classes with kids like him with similar aptitude, and his 'let me just fly under the radar' attitude keeps the teachers satisfied. He's polite, he participates, he's a good student, so he's been shuffled along.

My other child who we had to fight for was also shuffled along, but we raised a stink and got results... and a reputation. Have I done a disservice to my other child by not having the same fire to get him a more suitable education?

And this is not the only time I've felt like some of the kids have missed out. There have been soccer games, basketball games, music concerts, visits with friends, trips to museums and restaurants that have been missed due to the dynamics in our home at a specific season - a surly teenager with a bad attitude that refuses to participate, but that is also not permitted to stay home alone; a preschooler with an inability to sit anything close to still and quiet for any amount of time; an infant who has sustained injury and cannot be out of the house for any length of time.

Have our kids fallen through the cracks? Have we short-changed them by taking on the children of others? Have they missed out on important, or even not-so-important events and activities? Maybe at points they have, and maybe they will remind us of how unfair we have been.

We also have enriched their lives by making them aware of the opportunities they have (and sometimes take for granted) - like a safe home and their own bed, food every day, and clothes that fit. They have come to appreciate the miracle of adoption through our own family as well as with so many of our friends. We've also been affirmed in this choice when teachers have mentioned how compassionate and caring our kids are; they have been exposed to many needs and behaviors and find ways within themselves to reconcile and meet those needs for these other children.

So to go full circle: this is why, Eli, you do not have a case worker. You and your brother have not had to go through the trauma of the system to have been brought to us - and that, my son, is a blessing. A bigger blessing than the toy that was busted to bits by an angry little boy, or not having to share your bedroom with a crying toddler, or being able to have your parents at every event and concert, or having a more enriching education. I feel quite confident that you have had more of an education than most kids and I trust that you will continue to hold tight to the Truth as you live out what you have learned.