Four months and two weeks and still no consistency for my LS. No one expects to hear from birth mom even after she's released from prison; and LS holds firm in her desire to never be with the person who has caused the most trauma and hurt in her young life.
Birth dad, who has only had sporadic contact with LS, but is someone who is stable - has a job, a home, a fiance' - is being considered the primary permanent placement resource. In order to establish a strong parent-child bond, visitation was increased from every other week to every week and the venue modified from an office setting to a more relaxed and natural community setting. Additionally, the location of the visits was changed to be more local to dad - about a ten minute commute from his place of employment - since there were claims that both location and traffic caused him to miss previous visits. All these adjustments were made to move toward a positive outcome of family reunification.
Increases in and variations to the visitation plan made it necessary to involve another team player - a visitation social worker whose sole responsibility is to schedule, facilitate, and supervise the visits. Because the distance between our home and the visitation site is now much greater, and the time has been modified to fit dad's schedule, and because there are other children in our home with appointments and commitments; it was impossible to adjust our family schedule so that I could be the transporter to and from visits (as well as have a bit of face-to-face interaction with LS's dad.) This was an adjustment that was unwelcome since I prefer to drive my children where they need to go and journey with them through whatever-the-situation.
Yesterday's scheduled visit was a perfect "case in point." After picking up LS and driving ninety minutes to the visitation location, the case worker called to say that dad was not going to make it to the visit; some reason was given, the case worker spent some fun time with LS, then put her back into the car for ninety more minutes to return home. This was another unforeseen adjustment, and one for which we hadn't planned. Removing the potential barriers - distance, time, location, travel time, traffic - (and in the process requiring everyone involved to adjust) was supposed to alleviate cancelled or missed visits, of which we had had many opportunities to contend with early on. At those times, I was there with LS; I was the one to hug her in the waiting room, the one to hold her hand as we walked to the car to head back home, the one to reassure her that her daddy would be able to receive the picture she'd colored "just for him" the next time, the one to stop for milkshakes to drown our sorrows.
This morning it became apparent that the bulk of the adjusting had fallen on the very small shoulders of our LS. Her usually perky and smiley self, was today replaced with a sulky and sad-faced little girl. Dressing, packing up, eating, teeth-brushing all took much prompting; her mind seemed to be somewhere far away. Behaviors - the mildest of which was finding her poking around two of her brothers' bedrooms (which are strictly off limits to the girls) while she was to be in the bathroom - unusual for her, and the equally unusual denial of poor choices and just flat out defiance, became obvious signs of distress.
While it is one thing to make changes and expect adults to adjust and function, it is an entirely different - and unacceptable (at least to this mom) - demand to place on a small child who has made uncountable adjustments already in a very short time.
This cannot continue. And if it does, if my LS is called upon to suffer any more, those in authority are the ones who are going to have to adjust to this irritated momma bear.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
One For The Book
Eleven years ago today was one for the book, the book I have been told by some that I should write, the book that will most probably never be written, the book about our adventures and journey as a foster family.
Four days before Mother's Day 2002 we were called to take a placement of a young mother, fifteen years old; her six month old baby was placed with another foster family. We were told that both mother and baby had been living together in some sort of group home setting, but that since this teenage mom was struggling to provide necessary care for her infant while going to school the court decided that separate placements would be beneficial. Visits between mom and baby were to be scheduled to maintain the bond between them and to eventually lead to reunification in the home of a relative.
In our home, Little Miss Big (LMB) presented herself as a sweet and compliant young lady and during the first couple of days she found ways to be helpful: playing with our little boys (at that time we had four of them under the age of seven), cleaning up the kitchen, joining in family conversations and activities. Like most teenage girls, she also enjoyed talking on the phone, and since she was too far away to hang out with her friends, we allowed fairly liberal phone privileges.
The Friday before Mother's Day, Stan drove LMB into the city for a visit with her baby. I spent that time putting together a Mother's Day gift for her; how sad it would be for her to spend her very first Mother's Day without her baby in her arms. And she seemed very appreciative to receive the gifts on Sunday.
Shortly after walking out the door to go to work on Monday morning, Stan came back into the house and announced, "The car is not in the driveway." My first thought was, "Well, did you park it on the street last night?" Clearly I had not caught the meaning of his statement because his next words were: "Is LMB in her room?"
Hurrying upstairs and to the end of hallway, I don't remember knocking on the bedroom door before going in to find LMB missing.
While waiting for the police to arrive we continued to investigate and discovered that in addition to the Suburban, my wallet, money that we had been collecting for a fundraiser at church ($300), and Stan's entire key ring (with our house keys, keys for our other cars, and keys for the church) were missing.
Our foster care agency was also informed of the situation and they in turn contacted the Philadelphia case worker. It was only at that point that we were told that LMB had previously taken a car from her brother. Additionally we were told that the reason for her placement with us, "away from the city", was that she had absconded from the mother/baby group home with her son - twice.
As we pieced together the story for the police, we remembered that the phone had rung at about 1:30 a.m. that morning (which may have been some sort of wake-up call for LMB since we found the phone handset in her bedroom), and deduced that LMB had waited until we were asleep to gather our belongings (incidentally, she had left behind the Mother's Day gifts we had given her), slip out the back door, and drive into the city.
Since we were certain that LMB had driven toward the city, our local police contacted Philadelphia police. We were assurred that the Suburban would probably be found in good condition since it was so large and not likely to be stripped for parts. Sure enough, four days later it was reported to be impounded and after paying a hefty fee for towing and storage, we were able to drive it home since it had been found with only a dead battery - probably because LMB left the lights on after she parked it along the street close to a bus stop.
Recovering the Suburban was a blessing, but we also needed to recover other losses: the locks on our house and the church had to be changed, we had rented a van while waiting to see if the Suburban would resurface, money had been stolen, and it seemed unfair that we were responsible for costs of getting our own car back. Thankfully, our agency went to bat for us, wrote a letter to the city of Philadelphia explaining the situation and that, had we been provided with accurate and complete information, we would have taken reasonable precautions to protect ourselves, our possessions, and LMB. The city responded several weeks later with a check to cover all the costs we had detailed.
About a month later, Stan and I attended the court hearing. We sat in the back of the courtroom and were recognized by the judge but received no acknowlegment from LMB. The judge of course ordered her to make full restitution, which as far as we know, she never did.
We were able to move on, and even joke about the whole situation as a standard question, whenever we received a new placement, became: "Well, does she/he drive?"
While we've been blessed to not have to travel that particular path again, there have been many times that have qualified as "one for the book", and without a doubt there will be many more.
Four days before Mother's Day 2002 we were called to take a placement of a young mother, fifteen years old; her six month old baby was placed with another foster family. We were told that both mother and baby had been living together in some sort of group home setting, but that since this teenage mom was struggling to provide necessary care for her infant while going to school the court decided that separate placements would be beneficial. Visits between mom and baby were to be scheduled to maintain the bond between them and to eventually lead to reunification in the home of a relative.
In our home, Little Miss Big (LMB) presented herself as a sweet and compliant young lady and during the first couple of days she found ways to be helpful: playing with our little boys (at that time we had four of them under the age of seven), cleaning up the kitchen, joining in family conversations and activities. Like most teenage girls, she also enjoyed talking on the phone, and since she was too far away to hang out with her friends, we allowed fairly liberal phone privileges.
The Friday before Mother's Day, Stan drove LMB into the city for a visit with her baby. I spent that time putting together a Mother's Day gift for her; how sad it would be for her to spend her very first Mother's Day without her baby in her arms. And she seemed very appreciative to receive the gifts on Sunday.
Shortly after walking out the door to go to work on Monday morning, Stan came back into the house and announced, "The car is not in the driveway." My first thought was, "Well, did you park it on the street last night?" Clearly I had not caught the meaning of his statement because his next words were: "Is LMB in her room?"
Hurrying upstairs and to the end of hallway, I don't remember knocking on the bedroom door before going in to find LMB missing.
While waiting for the police to arrive we continued to investigate and discovered that in addition to the Suburban, my wallet, money that we had been collecting for a fundraiser at church ($300), and Stan's entire key ring (with our house keys, keys for our other cars, and keys for the church) were missing.
Our foster care agency was also informed of the situation and they in turn contacted the Philadelphia case worker. It was only at that point that we were told that LMB had previously taken a car from her brother. Additionally we were told that the reason for her placement with us, "away from the city", was that she had absconded from the mother/baby group home with her son - twice.
As we pieced together the story for the police, we remembered that the phone had rung at about 1:30 a.m. that morning (which may have been some sort of wake-up call for LMB since we found the phone handset in her bedroom), and deduced that LMB had waited until we were asleep to gather our belongings (incidentally, she had left behind the Mother's Day gifts we had given her), slip out the back door, and drive into the city.
Since we were certain that LMB had driven toward the city, our local police contacted Philadelphia police. We were assurred that the Suburban would probably be found in good condition since it was so large and not likely to be stripped for parts. Sure enough, four days later it was reported to be impounded and after paying a hefty fee for towing and storage, we were able to drive it home since it had been found with only a dead battery - probably because LMB left the lights on after she parked it along the street close to a bus stop.
Recovering the Suburban was a blessing, but we also needed to recover other losses: the locks on our house and the church had to be changed, we had rented a van while waiting to see if the Suburban would resurface, money had been stolen, and it seemed unfair that we were responsible for costs of getting our own car back. Thankfully, our agency went to bat for us, wrote a letter to the city of Philadelphia explaining the situation and that, had we been provided with accurate and complete information, we would have taken reasonable precautions to protect ourselves, our possessions, and LMB. The city responded several weeks later with a check to cover all the costs we had detailed.
About a month later, Stan and I attended the court hearing. We sat in the back of the courtroom and were recognized by the judge but received no acknowlegment from LMB. The judge of course ordered her to make full restitution, which as far as we know, she never did.
We were able to move on, and even joke about the whole situation as a standard question, whenever we received a new placement, became: "Well, does she/he drive?"
While we've been blessed to not have to travel that particular path again, there have been many times that have qualified as "one for the book", and without a doubt there will be many more.
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