Since the kids and Stan were home from school and work on Friday, Eli and I were on an errand and Stan had the rest of them doing some leaf-raking. When we returned we heard that Patrick had visited on his motorcycle.
Patrick is now 19 years old and was placed with our family two years ago for about one year. His placement was full of drama - manipulating parents, missed visits, lies and deceit - and that just made his stay with us that much harder; we were made out to be on the side of the 'bad guys'. We did our best to stick to our family routines and expectations, but were often challenged by the birth family who took their complaints to the county who in turn had to check in to make sure what we were doing in raising our kids was acceptable. So not a real fun placement.
It all ended when Patrick made allegations against us to his parents during a visit in the county office. After being contacted by our Bethany case worker and being cleared of all and any allegations, we made the decision to have Patrick move from our home. And within a week he was back in the home of his parents who live just about one mile from our home.
With all this deceit and upheaval, and with Patrick being vocal about not wanting to live in our house or be a part of our family I would have thought we'd be the last people he'd want to see. But there he was, on his motorcycle in our driveway chatting with Stan about future plans for military service.
So does it matter that we are caring for kids who don't want to be here? Does it matter that manipulation and lies seem to win? Does it matter that we live in a virtual fishbowl and have to defend and explain why we do what we do? Does it matter that there seemed to be no bond between Patrick and our family? Does it matter that he chose to show up at our house on his own for a visit?
Does it matter?
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
In the beginning....
Stan and I married in April 1998 and in March 1999 welcomed our first born child to the family. When Eli was 9 months old we began our foster family journey. So he knows nothing other than this way of life; the same goes for our other four 'permanent' kids.
We've been doing this foster care thing for twelve years. Some days that's a long time and others, a small drop in a big bucket. Some placements we struggled through and others were a breeze. Some caseworkers make things so much smoother and easier, and others... Some birth families are amazing and just need that extra support, and others just leave us with hearts broken and heads shaking.
The title of the blog comes out of a little family joke that started soon after we began to foster parent. When called with a placement, we usually had anywhere between several minutes to several hours to prepare the house, the kids, and dinner. I found it very easy to throw together a pot of spaghetti on short notice; and as we went along, I also found some other things about spaghetti to be true:
1. Most kids (not all, but MOST) are familiar with spaghetti, so hopefully the first meal is not too intimidating.
2. There are choices to be offered when serving spaghetti: with sauce or without, with cheese on top or not, eaten cut up with a spoon or twirled on a fork. Many of the kids that come into placement feel like they have little control over what is happening to them and their family, some small choices up front give a bit of hope.
3. Spaghetti is filling. Some of the kids may not have eaten recently, or may be too upset to eat much when they arrive. Even a little is a bit comforting.
4. It works for any age. I've had an older child get involved in the preparation and older children enjoy the fun of twirling the pasta; and it can be cut up so even the little ones can manage to get some on a spoon.
So, when a call comes in during the day and I haven't been able to reach Stan by phone before he walks in the door, chances are good that if he smells spaghetti he knows that means we have a guest for dinner. And so the name of the blog.
We've been doing this foster care thing for twelve years. Some days that's a long time and others, a small drop in a big bucket. Some placements we struggled through and others were a breeze. Some caseworkers make things so much smoother and easier, and others... Some birth families are amazing and just need that extra support, and others just leave us with hearts broken and heads shaking.
The title of the blog comes out of a little family joke that started soon after we began to foster parent. When called with a placement, we usually had anywhere between several minutes to several hours to prepare the house, the kids, and dinner. I found it very easy to throw together a pot of spaghetti on short notice; and as we went along, I also found some other things about spaghetti to be true:
1. Most kids (not all, but MOST) are familiar with spaghetti, so hopefully the first meal is not too intimidating.
2. There are choices to be offered when serving spaghetti: with sauce or without, with cheese on top or not, eaten cut up with a spoon or twirled on a fork. Many of the kids that come into placement feel like they have little control over what is happening to them and their family, some small choices up front give a bit of hope.
3. Spaghetti is filling. Some of the kids may not have eaten recently, or may be too upset to eat much when they arrive. Even a little is a bit comforting.
4. It works for any age. I've had an older child get involved in the preparation and older children enjoy the fun of twirling the pasta; and it can be cut up so even the little ones can manage to get some on a spoon.
So, when a call comes in during the day and I haven't been able to reach Stan by phone before he walks in the door, chances are good that if he smells spaghetti he knows that means we have a guest for dinner. And so the name of the blog.
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