Both Ways

Foster parents have no rights, and that's just the way it is. Most times it seems to make sense since we are just full-time, round the clock child care. Child care includes: typical and non-typical doctor's appointments - specialists - some local, some not because of the limitations of health insurance providers; therapy appointments - in-home or somewhere else, usually not at a convenient location - for emotional, behavioral, family reasons or due to some delay in speech, motor, or educational development; school meetings for IEP development and academic and behavior concerns; family visits and often the aftermath of them; accommodation of multiple case worker visits and phone calls - one with our agency and one with a county agency; then the normal kid activities and kid needs - safety, food, school supplies, clothing, discipline, and love.

Maybe after all that 'child care' the system would begin to realize that this child that has been cared for in our home for over a year is more ours than anyone else's right now; that after a year of caring for the basic and not-so-basic necessities, meeting with therapists, teachers, doctors, and case workers regarding the child's behavior, health, daily functioning needs, concerns, life history and trauma, and future plans, someone in the system would understand that our opinions and perspective are valid and may even prove helpful. I'm not talking about rights, just good old-fashioned common sense and respect - for the child and the child's 'family', as it were, at the present time.

Our current foster child has been available for adoption for over a year, and due to the need for stability an adoptive placement was not sought until this summer, so we had a full year to help establish stability, boundaries, discipline, trust and general family life. Common sense would say that we might have an inkling as to what makes this child tick, what works and what doesn't when it comes to communication and discipline; what the child is REALLY like when rules and consequences are enforced. Kids in the system are savvy, they have learned how to play the system: how to be charming when charming will work, and how to play the victim to tip the scales in their favor. These kids are not bad, they are doing what they have found to work for them; unless someone catches and calls them on it and then holds them accountable, all we are doing is perpetuating the system which has brought them to their current situation.

Most case workers and some therapists with whom we have worked seem to get it. Foster parents GET IT, which is why I just love our foster parent friends. When our child is sweet and polite and oh-so-charming in public and gets all kinds of wonderful smiles and attention and positive affirmation, that is a good thing - all kids need and deserve that. When that same child is disrespectful, thoughtless, mean, and defiant at home we know that we are doing the right thing because the child has become comfortable enough in our home to let down that shallow front. People who have seen and gotten to know only that shallow front are skeptical should they hear of the at-home behavior. All kids, all adults, have the capacity and tendency to put on a false front to make a good first impression; that is not the same thing.

Back to common sense... so when we as parents give our perspective - sometimes solicited, usually not - a cursory nod is given in response. Why consider the observations of the uneducated 'child care provider' when there are professionals with whom to consult? Excuse me for being cynical, but why would a therapist who spends one hour each week with this child know about how the kid responds to rules? Does the therapist ever enforce consequences? Or the case worker who meets with the child once a month - even a good, supportive, alert, involved case worker - may see some and hear more about that at-home behavior, but is rarely there to witness a situation from start to finish to see the child and parents in action.

Our guy has been visiting with a possible adoptive family, and initially everything that we were told about the family seemed to match well with the child. That information came through someone - a professional - who had spent a total of four hours with the child. We don't claim to be able to predict future events and we only want and pray for a successful adoption to happen sooner rather than later, but (you knew it was coming), but after three visits we are feeling less convinced that this is the right family. There is nothing wrong with the family, they seem like very caring people, and on paper it makes sense and the case workers are positive that this is the best thing.

Now is the time I'd like some rights to call just a few of the shots; to be able to speak honestly about what I as a mom see and know that this child needs, about what I have learned about him, about how I can't bear the thought of him facing another rejection. While this family appears to be loving, the impression is that they don't yet get it; they've seen the sweet and charming and have been drawn to that - who wouldn't be? But when the time for sweet and charming is over, will they be there for the less attractive, harder to handle stuff? Have they even been prepared for when that happens? If nothing else, I want a chance to share with them, and the case workers making the decisions, what our journey has been like over the past year - all of it, the wonderful, fun times and the frustrating, hard times.



So like I sometimes tell my kids: you can't have it both ways. Since we've decided that we are not the best candidates to be his parents, I have given up my 'right' to make the decision as to who would be the best.