Mom's Quirks

Since I've not held back in posting about some of the quirks of our family brought about by the dynamics of our kids, it only seems fair that some of the quirks of the mom be shared. Due to the expanse of my quirkiness, this may take more than one post - but don't look for a sequel too soon.

Quirk #1 - Controlling
Although I could rationalize this by saying I am a first-born (translate: bossy big sister), or that all moms are controlling, those excuses are not valid. The extent of this character trait was made most clear to me a few months into our fostering journey. We were caring for a little boy, four years old, who had come from a situation of severe neglect (he didn't know what carrots or green beans were, but he knew the difference between Snickers and Milky Way candy bars.) So one day at lunch we had finished eating and I cleared away the dishes while he was still sitting at the table. Before taking away his cup, I asked if he wanted more to drink. He said no, but as soon as I moved the cup to the counter he said yes, so I brought it back, he said no, I took it away, he said yes ... you get the tedious picture. Since this little guy had had no control over his life thus far, he was experimenting with me and the cup... and it really irked me, REALLY. At that moment I didn't stop to think about why what was happening was happening, or try to understand his motive. My focus was on the fact that I would not be controlled by this child; on how out of control I felt and not on the child's perspective.

Through years of practice with different kids, I am finally learning to look beyond myself and to understand, sympathize with, and help to meet the control needs of some of these hurting children. It is a continuing struggle as my kids grow up to not tell them how much juice to pour in their glasses, remind them to zipper up because they might get cold, or cut that piece of meat smaller. Having fostered teenagers has been a crash course in relinquishing control. One of our favorites was a fifteen year old girl who, although having a fitted sheet, flat sheet, and comforter on her bed, insisted that she sleep on the bare mattress with the comforter all wrapped around her. What a trivial issue and what an easy way to allow some control. Lesson (partially) learned.

Quirk #2 - Speak first, think second
Too many times I have offered opinions that were not solicited, usually with the intent of helpfulness. Sometimes the intent is to impart 'wisdom' or 'knowledge'. The assumption made on my part is that others will certainly benefit from what I have to share; often without first stopping to inquire of their needs.

The scope of foster parenting is filled with land mines for me and my quirk. There are people all around me who just 'ought to' learn about the needs that are yet to be met, the deficiencies of the system, the agony and anguish of trying to help in helpless situations. Then there are therapists who make the mistake of asking for my thoughts and opinions - they don't realize they've released a gusher; or the birth parents who hardly ever are interested in my perspective, but by golly, sometimes they hear it anyway.


Quirk #3 - Competitive
No secret here; I love to win - board games, hide & seek, backyard kickball, debates, arguments, and my new favorite: Words with Friends. Coaching Odyssey of the Mind and Bible quizzing teams have provided acceptable outlets for this quirk. Parenting... not so much.

Many are the times I have met my match, to name a few:

toilet training - I will never win this one; if a child does not want to poop in the potty, the child cannot be made to to it. I have, at least partially (read: successfully), been involved in the toilet training process of about a dozen children. This activity has frustrated both my controlling and competitive quirkiness.

games - Technology has allowed my kids to move light years beyond me when it comes to video and computer games. I have learned to laugh at myself as my vehicle continually dives off the Mario Kart cliffs. And it's amazing how hard it's gotten to hide well and run fast when we play hide & seek.

adolescent arguments - These can start anytime after a child is able to string 3 or 4 words together. Slow to learn, or slow to give up, I have yet to learn that there is no winner in these situations. Unlike a younger child who I may be able to out-reason, my older kids have always stepped up the challenge as they unleash and wield their logic.

the 'best' mom - A big part of competing is comparing: other moms are more fun, more creative, more loving, more consistent, more energetic... Through fostering and adopting I am learning that God puts imperfect families together in perfect ways. So while I get caught up in comparing myself and my family with that 'perfect' family, I am missing out on the specialness of who God has crafted us to be.

So that's the first installment of "Mom's Quirks." While presented in a somewhat humorous light, my intent is to be honest; after all, I've been honest when recounting the behaviors and personalities of my kids. My intent is not to seek affirmation - God provides that in bundles, and sometimes we feel like people think what we are doing is somehow 'above and beyond.' I'm here to tell you that if that's what you see or think, it's all God working around and through me being a mom.