The Last Word

This child will be leaving my home and my care in two days. How much more do I say, do I question? The principle of the matter leads to me to act, to believe that it is a disservice to quit now; to not follow through would be going against the exact lessons that we have tried to instill.

Here's the thing: some people hear the term 'foster child' and immediately take pity. Not that they shouldn't, not that these kids don't deserve every ounce and shred of kindness. There has to be a balance; and I need to not be too judgmental because after living with a situation for a time - be it a disability, an illness, any extraordinary or out of the ordinary way of life - folks are able to develop a new normal, to just live life as if that 'extra' were not there. Foster families learn to live with hearing how cute the child is, how sweet and innocent - in most cases all very true; but in all cases, not the end of the story.

Our guy is sweet and charming (although, not entirely innocent!) and he has received lots of love and warm fuzzies from lots of people; and he should because he's missed out on so much of that. We are thankful for the caring people who have surrounded and supported him this last year. Where Stan and I have needed to step in and offer consistency and discipline - usually a not-so-fun job, others have been able to balance that hard stuff out by being fun and doing the so-fun job.

So where do school and teachers fit into this equation? We send our kids to school for an academic education; we do the character teaching and training at home. We support (as best we can, not being educators ourselves) the teachers fully; we would like to expect that to be reciprocated as we do our job. As has been made clear in earlier posts, I am not shy about contacting teachers. And over the past two school years with this young man, there has been much communication - mostly just checking on progress and lending support.

So today, two days before the end of his stay, a project comes home with a grade - a good grade, a too good grade, a grade that was not earned or deserved. This project was to be done over a period of six weeks with extensive research and recording required, and culminating in a well-written and nicely presented research paper. We had the expectations in the rubric that the teacher provided. It helps that we had a child in this grade last year and well remember the scope of this assignment. Stan and I offered encouragement and then strong suggestions along the way that this project required more effort.

After several weeks of prodding (in between which time came the 'just leave me alone' phase), we decided to allow natural consequences to ensue. The evening before the project was due, a hastily written assignment was completed in about twenty minutes. Stan and I had a chance to check it over - sloppy writing, spelling and grammatical mistakes, missing research - and knew that this would be a wonderful learning experience.

Wrong answer. The grade given was 'above average', and included on the front of the paper was a personal note from the teacher that he 'should be proud of his work.' Our guy has just learned that being a victim in the foster care system equals the easy way out; that playing the sweet and cute card will get you an unearned reward. Essentially, the character qualities of integrity, honesty, and hard work have been undermined and have been replaced with superficiality, laziness, and deceit.

So with two days left, do I call the teacher, just walk in with the project and ask questions? There is no point in having the grade changed, but there may be a bigger point. Perhaps this teacher's motivation was to reward what she construed as acceptable work from a disadvantaged student and a child who put forth his best effort; or she is not aware that children in the foster care system are capable of so much more than for which they are given credit. Maybe she didn't realize that what she meant as a helpful and encouraging gesture is really serving to teach him to look for and expect hand-outs, that as he moves forward he will come up against accountability and will need to be well-equipped to take responsibility for his choices.

This may be a learning opportunity for this teacher, and for me, as I think long and hard before I have the last word.