Recently I heard again a phrase that has been repeated to me countless times during the past twelve years of foster parenting: "I could never let them go." The sentiment behind those words is sincere and, I think, is meant to be encouraging in this way: "It would be very hard for me to love a child as my own and then have that child taken from me. It must be very hard to do what you do."
Let me make it clear that it IS indeed very hard to love a child, invest in a child, disicpline and teach a child, cry over and laugh with a child - for a few weeks, a few months, a year or more - and then have the child move away. Let this also be clear: it is not something that I can do either.
There are so many things along this journey that I could never do...
Care for a baby with medical needs. It breaks my heart to see little ones suffer and it is humanly difficult for me to deal with medical issues. I have passed out several times while having my own blood drawn, or watching my kids undergo simple medical procedures. Performing simple medical tasks - feeding tube, hand splints, medication - is not something that I can do.
Understand school law and how public schools work. In my innocence - or more probably, ignorance - I have an expectation that professionals will be helpful and honest. The more we have dealt with kids with special learning needs, the more I am reminded that people do whatever needs to be done to save a dollar. Because we as parents are our children's only true advocates when it comes to their education - don't get me wrong, there are lots of wonderful teachers out there, great people and educators who care about the kids but whose hands are tied by so many policies and standards - I have had to learn about laws that I never would be able to do.
Find my way to obscure and not so obscure locations in the city, or in towns of which I have no knowledge. Being directionally challenged has put me in places - literally - that I will never be in again. When planning to drive to St. Christopher's Hospital the first time, I gave myself an extra hour of travel time, took the wrong exit, went the wrong way on a One Way street, got caught in some police traffic activity, failed to navigate my way successfully into the correct parking garage, and was still 15 minutes late to the appointment. I could never find my way around outside of my own community.
Allow strangers to question my parenting methods and abilities. About a half-dozen times we've received calls from the State Department of Child Welfare due to anonymous reports of us mistreating our kids. After the initial upsetting phone call, at least one visit is made to our home where we have been questioned about our discipline methods, given tours of our home including sleeping arrangements for all the children, and subjected our children to being questioned and even photographed for documentation. Each time this happens I am reminded that this is something I could never do.
Although my personality allows for me to organize and coordinate fairly well, keeping a schedule and a house running for eight kids is a challenge. When some of the kids require appointments for various therapies, case worker appointments, and family visits the calendar can get a bit crazy. Add in all the normal family and kid activities and it becomes a task of such magnitude that I can not handle; at least not without some things falling through the cracks.
Empathize, or at least sympathize with adults who have made poor and just flat out wrong choices. Kids are kids and will think and act like kids; they make spontaneous, poorly thought through decisions sometimes. Kids learn by making mistakes and suffering through consequences. Adults who are parents are expected to have grown past that stage. When the wrong and selfish choices of parents affects their children to the point of placement in the system, it is enough for me to pick up the pieces and deal with the behaviors of the kids. I can never begin to have understanding for the parents.
The list could go on: being the victim of theft at the hands of a child in our care, having our kids physically and verbally attacked, realizing that a child has run away, soothing the broken heart of a child whose parent failed to show up for a visit - again, dealing with an over-worked mental health system. These are all things that we have experienced, but that I could never do.
Thankfully, my God is so much bigger and better than all those challenges. So when hard things happen, when a child who I have loved on, taught, watched grow and learn, become part of our family, taken up a space in my heart - when God has decided that it is time for that child to move on, then I can know that even though I could never do this, God can. He's done it every time.
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