Hello again

Hands down the hardest part of foster parenting is saying good-bye.

Some days it seems like it might be harder to deal with: a broken system, a case worker who doesn't follow through, attorneys who don't file paperwork, missed visits with birth parents - or visits that actually happen, but are filled with anger and resentment, frustration over finding health care providers who have not "filled their quota", jumping through all sorts of hoops with the school system to get a child sufficient services, or a distraught, sad, angry child who had no choice in any of this mess.

But saying good-bye is tough.

Even when a child is moving toward permanency, it's difficult. Whether a child has been in our home a few days, weeks, or many months a void is left behind when they move on. Even when a child (or the parents, or the situation, or the system) has been frustrating throughout the placement, it is sort of a let-down to think that our time of advocating and fighting for the best outcome, is over.

Some good-byes are harder than others.

The younger the child, the more dependent they are and so babies are hard to let go. Especially babies who have come from and may be returning to situations that are less than ideal.

The longer a child has been with us, the harder it is to see them move on. So many memories: birthday parties (some of our kids have never had one), holidays with extended family (it can be overwhelming to be loved by so many people), success in school, laughter and freedom to just be a kid.

The more challenging a child's behavior, the more investment we've made, the more time, love, and energy we pour into a child's life - the harder it is to think about them moving away from that consistency and stability that we've worked so hard to establish. There have been a few placements that I was just SURE I would be relieved to have end. And when they did I was completely caught off guard by how sad I was after they had gone.

Hello-agains are so sweet.

Last night we got a surprise phone call from our foster son who left eight months ago. His placement of eighteen months ended when he was placed with a pre-adoptive family. During his placement we worked diligently at teaching boundaries and respect, responsibility and honesty. All that work and discipline did not always equal warm fuzzy feelings and so it seemed that very little bonding had occurred; sad, but not unexpected. So to have this young man take the initiative to call meant quite a bit, and to have my kids want to talk to him also warmed my heart.

Other hello-agains have been just as sweet.

Three sisters, two of whom were with us for almost a year, were reunified with their mom - a situation that we were all rooting for. I shed so many tears just thinking about them leaving, and when the day came, oh how my heart was breaking. Thankfully, through the miracle of Facebook, we've been able to reconnect with them.

A baby girl was reunified with her daddy - a very happy ending - and he agreed to allow us to visit them after the reunification. We were able to keep in touch up until the family relocated several years later, but what a blessing to know that she was growing up to be happy and healthy.

In 2008 we were asked to care for twin babies for about a month. Through another miracle, we were able to see these children again three years later as we learned that a Bethany family was planning to adopt them. We now get to see these precious children - who are thriving in a wonderful, loving home - on a regular basis.

A few years ago we had a teen-age girl stay with us. She was very unhappy at being so far away from her family, friends, and school; and after a few months, she ran away. No good-bye, no call afterward to say she was okay. Thankfully another Bethany foster parent had connected with this young lady, formed a wonderful supportive relationship, and continues to help and guide her. About a year ago this foster mom brought the girl along to a meeting at our house and I was able to first say, "good-bye", and then "hello again."

And then there was Angel, whose story I told previously, who challenged and taxed our parenting capabilities while she was here, but who continued to reach out to us after she left - up until the week before she died.

The next time I see Angel, it will be one of the sweetest "Hello-agains."