Five weeks into the school year and the phone call came. Sadly, it is no longer unexpected. "Hi, Mrs. Heisey did (insert child's name here) tell you I'd be calling this afternoon?" As the child was sitting right at the table with me I answered, "No, she didn't tell me." (So now you know it's one of my darling daughters.)
"She's not the only student in the class who is struggling..." THAT right there is one of my pet peeves. Should it matter to me if the whole class is struggling? My child is the only student in the class that concerns me. To be fair, I understand that statement (we probably hear it more than most which is why it's a touchy issue with me); the teacher didn't want it to appear that our little girl is way out of the range of typical and is within the limits of manageable classroom behavior, and for these things I truly am thankful.
The teacher went on to describe the problematic behaviors and what strategies she had put into place to address them. Apparently the behavior modification method was only somewhat effective with our girl, and so Mrs. D was calling for some parental input. And you know, I'm not shy at all about giving input - it's just nice when the teachers actually request it. This teacher is wonderful, she was the teacher for one of our other children and so we are somewhat familiar with the "feel" of her classroom, and know that she only asks for suggestions because she will listen attentively and implement carefully.
Unsure of how much history this teacher had, I caught her up on why I wasn't surprised to get her phone call. About this time each year, as our daughter has had sufficient time to "get comfortable" in her new surroundings and discern how far is too far in the realm of disruptive behaviors, teachers will be somewhat caught off guard as this sweet little thing becomes a defiant and disobedient not-so-sweet student.
Shortly after this unveiling of some of her true colors, a behavior modification program is put into place: sticker charts, smiley faces, little rewards for a job well done (keeping the pencil on the desk, feet on the floor, hands to herself.) We use those strategies at home, many parents do and find a measure of success.
Mrs. D explained the current program which included giving verbal and visual warnings, the opportunity to earn privileges, and the threat of a phone call home if the warnings go unheeded. She also used positive reinforcement by pointing out when one of the students (especially the struggling ones) made good behavior choices. She related that when she tried this with our sweet girl, the response was a sort of scowl and a regression back to not-so-good behavior choices.
This part of the conversation was also not new to me, but is still equally as confounding each time. Where students usually are motivated to make right choices by earning stickers and smileys, our daughter seems to abhor rewards. It has been this way for her since preschool when instead of earning a sticker for picking up the toys, she seemed to revel in throwing the toys, watching other kids get stickers, and then being sent to time-out. Much the same happens at home so that thanking her for being helpful could just as well errupt into a temper tantrum as in correcting her behavior. Being positive just doesn't elicit the positive results as expected.
What to do, then, in the classroom or at home? The only input I have to offer is to draw as little attention as possible - positive or negative. Quickly and quietly address the bad stuff and let the good stuff roll like it is normal (which it hopefully should be anyway.)
At the root of all this, and this is just my mom psychology take on things, is that our smart and sweet daughter does not like to feel manipulated. She is very bright and clearly understands right and wrong and the consequences that ensue from choices (right and wrong) that she makes. Being extremely strong-willed, she KNOWS without a doubt what she should do - and most of the time she WANTS to do right. So anyone who thinks they need to direct, tell, correct, or reward her for what she already knows is insulting her. And who wants to feel insulted?
It is interesting, and yes challenging, to figure out the best way to guide, help, and love this child as she grows; it is also a wonderful honor to think that God thinks we are worthy of this challenge. Of this I am positive.
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