Family: an incredible gift. We are very blessed to have a very close, supportive, involved family, both on my and my husband's sides. Our kids are some of the eighteen grandchildren of Geibs and of the seventeen of Heiseys - that's a lot of family. Between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day we are able to celebrate Christmas with both sides of our families; it makes for a lot of activity and fun - wearing, but worth it.
Some family members only visit with us a few times a year; they know us, but don't fully understand us. There is no blame in that statement; it's not expected that everyone (or anyone) would be so intimately interested in the gory details - most days, if I had the option of knowing less about us, I would probably take it.
There are some members of my family with whom I can speak very freely about struggles we are having, and they get it because - as one of my sisters has said about our kids - they've got their number. Good, bad, sad, surprising... they know it all and because they've involved themselves these relatives understand why we parent the way we do, why we seem to have such strict demands, high expectations, and tight limits. Again, no bitterness or blame in this statement: with other relatives there is the feeling of giant question marks hanging over their heads when they see or hear me talking to or disciplining one of the kids. Explaining myself feels like what I need to do, but would prove to be tedious for the listener and probably embarrassing for me and my child; I am not always proud of the way either of us behaves in stressful situations. Stress for the child due to the change in routine and environment, boundaries and stimulation; stress for me due to my child's unforeseen response to those stresses.
Living in a fishbowl, what with various therapists and case workers constantly checking in with our family, has certainly heightened my sensitivity of being watched, evaluated, scrutinized, criticized, and affirmed. But the opinions of those 'professionals' mean little compared to the encouragement and understanding of my family, which is perhaps why there is the felt need for explanation.
The flip side is this: my family (on both sides) unconditionally accepts and loves us. It is almost as if rude manners, social awkwardness, hyperactive behavior, tantrums, and the like are overlooked in favor of loving on my kids - my wonderful, amazing kids - just the way they are. So it would seem that the issue here is not with my family who welcomes, plays, talks, and laughs with us; nor with my kids who are just as excited and eager to return the love that is extended. Only one factor remains: me. By setting such high expectations for my kids based on what I perceive everyone to expect, I only succeed in setting us all up to achieve the opposite: miserable failure. My kids fail to be able to relax and enjoy and just be kids, and my family fails to be able to reach out fully to us because my limitations get in the way. So while the intent comes from a heart of wanting what is best for everyone, the result is a cutting off and holding back of what family at a most basic level is meant to be.
Thoughtfulness and manners are positive pursuits and will continue to be sought and taught, but above that thankfulness, appreciation and love for family needs to be instilled, starting with this mom.
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