We went through the classes and trainings and understood that the purpose of foster care is family reunification. Having just had our first born child, and knowing that there might be more on the way, we thought the timing was right. Our house was plenty big enough and Stan's job provided so that I was able to be a stay at home mom.
On December 1, 1999 our first placement arrived - a fourteen year old girl. And then two days later our second placement arrived - brothers, ages four years and nine months old. Going from one child to four in three days. We pretended like we knew what we were doing.
The initial weeks were spent learning - about the school system, how to shop with two non-walkers, to prepare meals for six instead of three, the schedules and needs of these new little ones, that the foster care system is complex and a challenge to navigate.
Birth family visits were eye-opening; not exactly how they had been presented in our neat and tidy hand-outs, in the bright and shiny, well organized binders, in the sanitized setting of the foster care training classes. Right away it became apparent that visits were anything but neat and tidy.
At first the two boys visited with their mother at the agency. That went okay, except for when we were accused of putting them in bath water that was too hot and burning their hands. That accusation came after we had provided various candid snapshots of the boys. The photo in question showed two little boys splashing in the bath tub. They were laughing and smiling, not crying out in pain or trying to escape the tub. That was the last time photos were sent along to visits.
After a year, the younger brother was reunified with his birth father. Having a different father, the older brother stayed with us and continued to have visits with his birth mother. As the plan progressed toward reunification, visits were moved into the community where she and I would meet and sometimes have a bit of conversation during the visit. While we were friendly and I hoped to appear supportive, I had nagging doubts that she would struggle to take care of her son for more than the several hours that comprised the visits. Her comments and reports to me about her social and home life were concerning; but not concerning enough to the agency to halt the plan. And so weekend visits started and quickly moved to reunification.
I clearly remember the day that the worker came to pick up this little five year old boy. He was so excited to be going home. I was so afraid of what he might face. We smiled as he climbed in the car; and then cried as the car turned the corner. My parting words to the worker were, "When, not IF, but WHEN he comes back into the system, please call us."
Our phone rang eighteen months later and he was back that afternoon. Visits started again, but since this was round two in the system the plan for reunification was less aggressive and moved rapidly toward the termination of parental rights. We were able to adopt our son about two years later.
Since he and his birth mother had a connection, we decided to enter into an open adoption situation - not legally binding, but rather a gentleman's agreement guided by what we all felt was beneficial for the child. Birth mother was permitted to visit our son at church at scheduled times and for various activities. We followed this plan for more than a year until her visits became inconsistent and caused our son to become anxious and worried - "Is she sick?" "Do you think her car broke down?" "Maybe she was in an accident." And the unspoken, "Why doesn't my mom want to see me?"
Contact was modified. We allowed our son to reach out his birth mother through letters and phone calls. Visits were ended and she was not to initiate contact. After a few months, our son opted to stop all contact. We continued to send her a card every Mother's Day and Christmas.
Last year our son moved out. He was tired of the rules and expectations of our family, and wanted to be more independent. After a year of trying and learning that all families have rules and expectations, he has recently had to move a second time.
During the past year, he has reconnected with his birth mother. He was very excited to tell me that he had "found her again," and also adamant that she is his mother and I am not. Hard to hear, but not hard to understand. As far as he is concerned, he was taken from his birth mother for "no reason" and made to live with us - the people who have unrealistic rules and expectations. On the very rare occasions that he did call me, he referred to me by my first name and his birth mother as "mom."
For the past few months there have been visits with his birth mother, and even opportunities for him to stay at her house for short periods of time. He called me a few weeks ago to say that he hoped to move back home with her after a meeting at the beginning of October. He made sure to let me know that I was not invited to this meeting.
This week I received a phone call - due to his choices he would need to find another place to live; and his birth mother has decided that he will not be able to move in with her.
So now my son, who does not want to live here and who does not consider me his mom, has moved yet again - not back to his birth mother as he had hoped. He spurns the support and guidance of this mom in favor of the friendship of his birth mother. A friendship that has not been healthy or helpful.
This is hard. That we have come through so much already gives me hope. There have been other hard times. We are still here.
Since he and his birth mother had a connection, we decided to enter into an open adoption situation - not legally binding, but rather a gentleman's agreement guided by what we all felt was beneficial for the child. Birth mother was permitted to visit our son at church at scheduled times and for various activities. We followed this plan for more than a year until her visits became inconsistent and caused our son to become anxious and worried - "Is she sick?" "Do you think her car broke down?" "Maybe she was in an accident." And the unspoken, "Why doesn't my mom want to see me?"
Contact was modified. We allowed our son to reach out his birth mother through letters and phone calls. Visits were ended and she was not to initiate contact. After a few months, our son opted to stop all contact. We continued to send her a card every Mother's Day and Christmas.
Last year our son moved out. He was tired of the rules and expectations of our family, and wanted to be more independent. After a year of trying and learning that all families have rules and expectations, he has recently had to move a second time.
During the past year, he has reconnected with his birth mother. He was very excited to tell me that he had "found her again," and also adamant that she is his mother and I am not. Hard to hear, but not hard to understand. As far as he is concerned, he was taken from his birth mother for "no reason" and made to live with us - the people who have unrealistic rules and expectations. On the very rare occasions that he did call me, he referred to me by my first name and his birth mother as "mom."
For the past few months there have been visits with his birth mother, and even opportunities for him to stay at her house for short periods of time. He called me a few weeks ago to say that he hoped to move back home with her after a meeting at the beginning of October. He made sure to let me know that I was not invited to this meeting.
This week I received a phone call - due to his choices he would need to find another place to live; and his birth mother has decided that he will not be able to move in with her.
So now my son, who does not want to live here and who does not consider me his mom, has moved yet again - not back to his birth mother as he had hoped. He spurns the support and guidance of this mom in favor of the friendship of his birth mother. A friendship that has not been healthy or helpful.
This is hard. That we have come through so much already gives me hope. There have been other hard times. We are still here.
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