Try Again

My heart hardly raced at all when I called the police this week. It has become almost freeing to be able to depend on someone else for a bit. 

One of the kids decided that somewhere else would be better than here, walked out of the house, and hopped on a bike. This kid indicated that they would be leaving the property, so I stood in the front yard and watched as they headed up our long driveway and then called the police.

God provided a neighbor to stop this kid as they were walking the bike along the road. The neighbor asked some great questions and got this kid to sit on their back porch and notified me. The police and I arrived at the neighbor's house at the same time. After checking in with an officer, I proceeded to visit with my neighbor and let the officers do the work. Several minutes later they informed me that this kid agreed to go back home and stay there. 

Once back our house this kid refused to go inside and insisted that they were going to stay in the garage "until tomorrow morning." Exerting verbal pressure only served to entrench their position further, and I had dinner to get on the table for the rest of us.

Several hours later this kid came inside and went directly to bed; got up the next morning and acted as if nothing had happened. Then after school made an apology something like, "I made a bad choice in how I acted." I agreed and thanked the kid for the apology (as it were.)

Later that day this kid refused to turn off the television when asked as well as flat out refused to follow the boundaries set down due to the police involved incident. As I reminded this kid of the apology that was offered just that morning, they countered with an argument that the apology "doesn't have anything to do with" respecting boundaries and our authority.

This is what attachment issues look like for us.

This was another in a string of events this past week.

On Sunday this kid came to me with a bead bracelet they had made and asked me to try it on, so I did. I remarked that it was a little loose on me so that it might need to be adjusted if whoever they made it for was smaller than me. This kid said, "I made it for you." I said, "Oh, thanks!" I haven't seen the bracelet again.

We went to a school sporting event this week. I took a blanket for us to sit on, and this kid and one of the other kids helped to spread it out over a sparsely grassy area - mostly it was dirt and rocks. Me and my other kid settled onto the blanket. This kid sat RIGHT BESIDE the blanket in the dirt. 

The connection that we have with this kid is tenuous at best. There's hardly anything there because this kid cannot handle it. This kid truly might feel better in another family because there are no expectations from a fictitious, unknown family. Whereas there are clear expectations here and it's hard for this kid to deal with the expectations of: boundaries, respect, genuine care and concern.

This kid doesn't understand remorse and consequences; or at least doesn't see the connection. This kid lives - I make a poor choice. I say sorry. I make a poor choice. I say sorry. I make a poor choice....

Expectations go deeper than this kid is able to go. Trust goes much deeper.

We expect an apology and a changed attitude. But this kid can't trust that we actually forgive and will show grace.

It's scary for this kid to risk giving me a bracelet. What if I don't like it? What if I laugh and make fun? What if am demeaning? What if I don't value their gift? Too scary, so they avoid it.

It's scary for them to sit on the blanket. That means that they are dependent on me. But if they depend on me that means that they trust me. This kid doesn't even trust me enough to sit on a blanket to stay out of the dirt.

It's not always like this. There are days and weeks at a time that seem blissful. Connections are made - rather superficial, but at least pleasant. 

Then some sort of a warning seemingly sounds for this kid and the tiny bit of trust and connectedness is shattered and sabotaged. And I am weary and wondering how many more times we will need to call the police and start over and try again.