Too Nice

Children in the foster care system are damaged - physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually; and neglected and deprived - of attention, basic needs, discipline, love.

Children in the foster care system are incredibly resilient. Rejection is met with ambition; trauma is processed and overcome; hurts are manged with amazing coping skills.

But the scars remain. For a long time. Maybe for a life time.
And that stinks. It hurts. It's hard to feel so helpless; to not be able to fully heal the hurt that has been caused.

As we've become more seasoned parents of kids with with special needs stemming from special circumstances, our perspective has developed and changed. We are not any "better" parents than we were fourteen years ago - more tired, yes; more patient, hopefully - nor are we any "better" than any other parents out there. And the struggle continues: finding an effective balance between that helplessness to heal and the desire to make it all okay.

Our family is beyond blessed with support from many avenues - family, friends, neighbors, church, school, community; and in so many ways - prayer, clothing, transportation, listening ears, encouragement, tutoring, child care. I am continually amazed at the orchestration of God in our lives and grateful for every kindness.

However, and you knew this was coming...

it is a continuing journey for us to learn to interact with grace toward people who want to do nothing but help and bring healing to these special kids, but unintentionally encourage our kids to become entitled. You know: "Poor me, I'm a foster kid. I've never had what other kids have had, so I need more; more attention, more pity, more stuff." Admittedly, none of our kids have ever spoken these words; however, many of them have clearly 'spoken' this attitude.

Some of the frustrations we've encountered:

Teachers who like our kids so much that grades are given instead of earned. We've been told that good grades have been bestowed on some of our children because, "he did a good job for what he can do," rather than being held to the same standard as the class. This serves to teach our kids that as long as they play the pity card, they can do just enough; or if they can make a good show of the struggle, then they will be rewarded.

With six or more kids in our family, there is no way that everything is equal. Fair, yes; equal, not always. And as parents we're okay with that. When one of our kids is singled out with repeated gifts seemingly solely due to their status as "foster child," entitlement and expectations to be able to "have" are raised and difficult to undo. Not to mention the obvious notice of the other kids who are not recipients of special treats, and the questions and resentment that can fester.

Excused behaviors or questions regarding our discipline choices are probably the most challenging. With younger children it is common to see testing of simple boundaries: grabbing toys, hitting, refusing to sit at the meal-time table; which result in common consequences: time-out, redirection. But even with young ones we've heard comments like: "well, she just doesn't know any better"; "just let him have it, it's okay"; "boy, you don't let anything slide." The older the child, (generally) the longer she/he has been without consistent boundaries and discipline, the more firm boundaries and discipline are needed. This usually is not translated well to on-lookers who wonder why our kids spend so much time sitting in a chair, miss out on normal kid activities, or are kept within close proximity to us (what we lovingly refer to as "being on a short leash.") We've been criticized for being too hard and having expectations that are unfair; not often, but enough times to have caused me to think and rethink who I am as a mom.

And I am grateful for those promptings - okay, not right in that moment, but maybe the next day after replaying the circumstance. I am grateful that there are people in my life who are not too nice.