The Biggest Loser

Adaptation is something I'm fairly good at, the challenge of assimilating a new life into the life of our family is something on which I have thrived. Coordinating, scheduling, organizing - these are all strengths in my skill set. But again this week I am reminded of just how badly I am lacking some other skills.

Transformation has sometimes been a slow process in my life. There have been situations through which we've walked as parents or as a family that produced the very worst from me: my reaction, response, choice of words, course of action. Parenting is hard, fighting for the rights of children is wearying, advocating can be so intimidating.

This week I have become the biggest loser with one of our kids, meaning - I have lost it BIG TIME. Yelling, demanding, assigning severe consequences, threats of more consequences (some of which we all know I'd never be able to enforce) - it's embarrassing and humiliating, and it's a part of life in our family. Sadly, the other kids who were unfortunate enough to be in the same area of house when all this was going down, seemed to be phased very little.

This is a situation to which I've adapted: there are triggers that I know to stay away from, questions that go unasked because there are no answers, topics that are left untouched due to the provocation of anger and frustration, expectations that are not enforced to avoid confrontation. However, I have yet to witness true transformation within myself in seeking what is best for this child of mine.

Transformation is more than just adapting, more than just knowing what to avoid and how to handle the occasional blow-ups. Transformation needs to be deep within my heart and mind in how I view my children and as a result, how I discipline and love my children.

There are times, and those times have been increasing more recently, when I wonder if I took a wrong turn somewhere. If the reason that the transformation that I so desperately desire and so obviously need has eluded me, is because we chose incorrectly at some fork in the road. I am sure that God does not give us more than he equips us to handle - and hopefully handle well. But I am also sure that I am often getting in God's way of equipping me.

My children - all of them - deserve a mother who is daily transformed. Frankly, there are days when I don't seek the power of transformation because... well, no excuses, I just don't. And those are the days - most frequently - that I find myself feeling defeated in this whole parenting journey. After all, if I can't get it right today, then what in the world will it be like three or five years down the road?

All that is yesterday. Yesterday I was the biggest loser. Today I have a fresh chance to work on transforming myself and my children.