Children come to our home from a wide spectrum of situations: living with one parent or both, a parent's friend, a grandparent, or other relatives; having been exposed to domestic violence, substance abuse, verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse; neglect of the basic needs of food, shelter, and security - both physical and emotional; having experienced homelessness, a lack of consistency in parenting and discipline, large gaps in school attendance, learning disabilities, and behavior disorders. It's all trauma. These children have all suffered a great deal of trauma.
Amazingly, most of these children have an extremely strong loyalty to their parents. It's more amazing in some cases when the perpetrators of severe abuse and neglect are those same parents; and it's a bond which I have learned to honor.
Through the course of our journey, Stan and I have had various titles: Daddy Stan & Mommy Dawn, Uncle Stan & Aunt Dawn, Dad & Mom, Daddy & Mommy or Momma, (just plain) Stan & Dawn, and my least favorite - Mr. Stan and Miss Dawn. Whatever handle a child has needed for us is what we went with. And then there's the whole who-am-I-when-I-show-up-at-your-school question. Older kids have preferred to refer to me as an aunt, cousin, or friend.
In our current situation our little sweetheart (age 5), came from a situation of having a mother who she calls "mom" and a friend who she calls "mommy." Knowing this, we had a little discussion after I registered her for school that went something like this: "When we go visit the school, someone may point to me and ask who I am. What should we tell them? We could say I'm your friend, or your aunt." LS replied quickly, "You're my mom!" So we went with that.
We also had a conversation about what names she would like to use for us at home. She was given the options already mentioned or encouraged to come up with something she liked. With no pressure for a decision, I'm not sure that one was formally made
In the next weeks I would hear LS talking to the other kids and referring to me as "your mommy" and I knew that she was sorting through her thoughts and feelings about who I was and how I fit into her life. During those weeks, when she wanted my attention she would simply get in my space and face to talk to me so no "handle" was needed; a few times I was summoned with "Hey!"
As time goes along and LS hears the other kids calling us "mommy & daddy", as she receives love and care and consistency in our home, as her parents allow time to pass without entering into her life, LS has continued to process and has "slipped" a few times and called us "mommy & daddy" as she has been talking about us.
This past week LS and I met some friends at a park. At one point one of the other children called out to their mother with, "Mommy!" and LS echoed calling me also, "Mommy!" so that we could watch the fun they were having. My heart did a flip.
As we've experienced before, once we become "daddy & mommy" the names are used in excess for a little while. In the past several days I have heard "mommy" from LS for every.little.thing. And I bask in it!
We still talk about her "mom" and "mommy" and the rest of her family. The loyalty with which she regards her family is honored. There is hope that she will be reunified with them and those relationships will continue and grow.
For now I am thrilled to be mommy to my LS, and privileged to receive her love.
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